(I wrote this letter to her when she was my ‘just friend’. These days she is my ‘best friend!’ I think this letter made us best friends! In ‘just friends’ time, once she asked me – What is love? Can you define it? I could not. Nobody can. So later I wrote her this letter and tried to define it. )
So you were asking me yesterday that how do you know if you are in love?? And here is the answer.. Actually Its 9:30 pm, here at Panini’s room, and I am alone and out of my mind! So my answer would be little poetic type and obviously full of philosophies! So… here it goes.
It was a day of march-2008 when I was there, in the outskirts of Rajkot, at very beautiful garden, with her in my heart and in my arms. It was the last day I met her. On march-2009 she was gone. She died. Yet, she would never die in my heart.
Stop. Well…This is a sad story, and I don’t want to make you cry after reading all my emotional stuff. But I want to tell you my personal experience of a feeling called love! These are the words I have written in my diary between March-2008 to March 2013.
When I first saw her, I just looked at her, closed my eyes, smiled inside and thought ‘Mast maal chhe boss’, and when opened my eyes she was gone. She is the same girl I have been seeing since last many years! Then I perish, I burn inside to look her again, I want to stab my heart thousand times, I want to chase her, I want to touch her, I want to smile at her and say ‘Hi’ to her. Whatever it was in her face, but I want to look her again. I don’t want to know if this is just attraction or lust or whatever… I just don’t care about any girl now if at least I can look at her. Well…You even don’t know that love is born in your heart. It happened so far.
Anarkali…So answer lies within. Love is not a feeling… you’ll know when you fall in… You even don’t want to know about it when you are in love. You just want to get defeated by “something”, and that “something” is what people call Love. Yet, for me…
Love…Is when you wake up in the early morning and she is the first person whom you want to see for your better day. She is the last person you want to give good night kiss when you go to bed.
Love…is when you know that she is the only person you want to fight with, argue with, and at the end of that fight you wish that you would have not won in that argument!!!
Love…Is what you feel, like pain in the heart, when she goes away from you and takes too long time of returning to you. And when she returns, to hug her very tight is the only way you find instead of asking her ‘why so late?’
Love…is when you smile in your dream, cry in your reality, lie beside her in your numbness, and die in your life for her.
Love…is something strange happening in your heart when you try to kiss her and she looks away from you. She says people are watching, pushes you away, but still you want to kiss her!!
Love…is that when you tell her a joke. She says it ‘load!’ You wish that she should have at least smiled on your joke. You look away from her feeling pain. And few minutes later she smile warmly to you. And above all you still know that she smiled to make you happy and joke was totally crap!
Love…is God. She is in your wish when you go in the temple. You don’t look at the God; you look at her like it happens in movies! And when she opens her eyes, you close yours for her turn to look at you!
Love…I know…When she had fever, I stopped eating. When I had loose motion, she had more up-downs in toilet!;):p When she met an accident, I stopped riding bikes. When she died in coma, I started living for her, with her, in my dreams, in my coma.
Anarkali…Love…is what I don’t know how to define. It is just there, already written in every man’s life. We are just blind-beings and we have to keep looking for it till our last breath. It is our life-force. It drive us. We seek it; we shall look for it everywhere in friends, in parents, in family, in her memories, and most importantly inside!
Love… is when you hear the news that she died, on the next day you cannot cry, you do not regret, you feel light, you feel free, you do not feel lost, you become crazy, you start dancing alone in your bathroom, you do not try to remember her, you do not wish to visit the place you met her first or date her first, you do not want to write her story, you do not want to tell anyone that she died, you cannot even remember her face in daylight, you can sleep well, you do not have dreams anymore, and you are happy, calm, fresh, and new. Why? Why? Why? Are these the feelings when someone you love dies? Yes. Why such good feelings? …Because the day you hear that she is dead, you also die. But suddenly at that moment her soul comes to you and whispers in your ears that: Jitu…I am gone, but not from your heart. You have to live for that girl which is still in your heart. You have to make her happy and for that you have to lead happier life than you had with her beside you.
Love…is when she whispers every night in my ears the eternal truth of life that- ‘Love never dies Jitu, Lover may be!’
11:00 pm. I am tired of typing. This philosophy things sucks. It makes me sick! Ultimately you got the point right? And if not…I don’t have any other answer Dear.
11:45 pm. Oh…I slept writing this. 45 minutes gone and I wake up again. Well…like every other day she came in my dream just before I woke up. She told me good-night, kissed me on forehead, and whispered: ‘Aey jitya…Aa Anarkali kon chhe? And I told her- She is my ‘Just Friend’